When a close friend or family member has suffered a pregnancy or infant loss, we're often uncertain of how to best support them. In addition, we may be grieving ourselves. We encourage you to take good care of yourself, and to know that it's a good priority for you to make sure you have space to grieve. Below are different ideas to help you navigate the challenges of grief with your loved ones.
What you could say
"I'm so sorry."
"How are you managing all of this? I want to help."
"I'm here, and I want to listen."
"Please take your time. I am here for you, and I will be for as long as you need me to be."
Things NOT to say
Unfortunately, all bereaved parents have been faced with well-meaning people who have offered words of "comfort" that just don't feel comforting. Below is a list of those things. It's important to note that it's OK for a bereaved parent to feel these things, and you are welcome to agree with them if they express these sentiments. But these words should not be offered by you as an attempt at comfort. Following each phrase, in italics, is our rendition of a bereaved parent's inner dialogue when they hear such words.
Everything happens for a reason. And what would that reason be?
Your baby is in a better place. Where could be better than with his family here?
At least the baby did not suffer. But I want him here!
It could have been worse. I heard a story... Nothing is worse to this family than the death of their own child right now.
At least you have other children. I wanted to have all my children with me. Which of your children would you choose to not have?
At least you know you can get pregnant. Nothing feels certain anymore. That brings little comfort.
I know how you feel (even if you are a bereaved parent under similar circumstances) Nobody can know how sad I am.
You will feel better in time. But how will I survive today.
It's time to get on with your life. This is my life now.
I could never handle that. I didn't ever imagine myself handling it, either. Please don't point out that you, fortunately, don't have to face this, and I do.
What you can do...
Be there. Call or visit to say, "I care, and I want to help." A family can always decline your presence or help, but in their grief they are unlikely to reach out for support. Don't be afraid to intrude. It's better to offer too much than to stand back out of politeness.
When you're there, be available emotionally and physically.
ON AN EMOTIONAL LEVEL YOU CAN:
-Let them cry, and cry with them.
-Be patient, and let there be silences.
-Use their baby's name and recognize this baby as a unique person who cannot be replaced.
-Treat the grieving couple equally. Both partners need support.
-Give the space for parents to tell you about their child. Ask open ended questions which will allow them to share what they wish, but will not feel invasive or nosy.
-Give them hugs and affection if they are receptive to this. Their bodies are grieving and touch can help.
-Remember and talk about their baby in the months and years to come. Recognize anniversaries and first holidays. In the beginning, even each week that passes feels significant to the family. So figure out what day their baby died, and reach out every Tuesday… it will mean a lot if you do.
-Let them know that you understand that your relationship or friendship may be different following this loss, and that you are patient and understanding.
ON A PHYSICAL LEVEL, YOU CAN:
-Offer to make phone calls for the family- to bring in more support, arrange services, or find resources.
-Offer to help with siblings or out-of-town visitors
-Offer to organize meals or grocery shopping
-Offer to help with housecleaning
-Find out if the family needs help with the baby's things. Some families prefer to keep a baby's nursery set up, while others want help packing up baby things. This must be the family's choice, and you should ask them.
-Find out if there is paperwork-- medical forms, bills that need paying, etc-- that you can help with
-Find out if there is some way you can help with the memorial or funeral
-Research local support groups and other resources that might help this family, but don’t force them upon them. Some people will misinterpret these attempts to provide support as attempts to “fix” their grief. Be clear that you aren’t sure what will help, and that you’re just offering resources.
-Try to educate other family members and friends about how to care for this family
-Continue to offer all of the above for many, many months. It may be a long time before this family regains a sense of normal.
“The human soul doesn’t want to be advised or fixed or saved.
It simply wants to be witnessed, exactly as it is.”
How Do You Help a Grieving Friend? Video
The video below is by grief-expert, Megan Devine, and helps understand why acknowledging grief is much more helpful than offering to fix it.
Born in Silence Video
Below is a short, but well done video that captures the essence of much of what is heard in support group circles. We hope this brings awareness to ways in which your loved one is grieving.